So, I
was not planning on blogging today.
I have things to do, places to go, and people to see…. and miles to go
before I sleep. I need to pack
some of my FANTASTIC wardrobe to take to Florida. BUT!!!!!!!!
Blog I must. I am
pissed! Those of you who know me
well know that when I am pissed it is not pretty. Well, guess what?
This morning I discovered that it does not matter if I am pissed or
not. I am simply not pretty. Well, perhaps I am saying that
wrong. This morning I discovered
that I AM pretty. I am pretty old!
Rachel
Fischer Spalding, I don’t know who you are, but I can tell you that you are NOT
a wise woman. Why, if you were
wise, would you allow an article to be sent to my email address that is titled
TOP 10 ITEMS YOU’RE TOO OLD TO WEAR the day before my 67th
birthday? After reading your
article, let me say that you are just lucky that I do not have your email
address. If I did, tomorrow I
would send you a picture of me wearing my birthday suit. Just say’n.
I
like to think that I am a fair person…. so let me begin by stating that I agree
with some of the things that you say.
There are certain things that I would never wear and certain things that
I should do…. but they are not based on my age. They are based on me and who I am. I always like to start with the positive……….so, I will start
with your number 3. I consider the
whole article to be a bunch of Number Two, but I digress.
Number
3: Costume Shoes (Retail
Retirement Age: Mid-40’s.
Rachel,
I don’t think I wore costume shoes (What are costume shoes anyway?) when I was
in my mid-40’s, but it is really hard to remember back that far. I know I never bought them at
Fredrick’s of Hollywood. I did do
the pointed toe thing – that may be why I have trouble remembering. There is a good possibility that the
blood supply to my brain was shut off.
Yeah, I tried the high heels as well, but once those spikes stick in wet
grass and you can’t pull those suckers up – you move away from them – in every
sense of the word. I completely
understand your point that wearing the right shoes does not mean, “You are
giving up glam”. I laugh at the people who laugh at my clogs. They are glam enough for me. I also learned from your article that feet lose their fatty
cushion as we age, requiring shoes that are more comfortable. Wish someone had told my feet that. They clearly are not aware of that fact as they have gone
from an 8 ½ to a 10? I also find it unfair that my feet
lose their fatty cushion and my arse does not. Who can I speak to about that? Got any articles that you can send me about that, Rachel?
Number
4: Micro- Mini Skirts: (Retail Retirement Age: 40)
Rachel
– thank you for being kind enough for starting this item off by stating that
age appropriate fashion is partially determined by who you are and what you
do. I wish you had been wise
enough to keep that thought running through the context of the entire article
instead of stating that “Unless you are the Private Dancer herself, get
yourself and your teeny skirts to Goodwill.” That of course got me to wondering. Is that why my friends had my thong
framed – so that I could not wear it any more? Mary Ann, Gail, and Terry – is there something you want to
tell me?
Number
5: Anything Showing Excessive
Cleavage (Retail Retirement Age:
50)
Wow! Rachel, we are on a roll here…and I
hate it when my rolls are showing.
Hell, I hate it when other people’s rolls are showing. It has nothing to do with age or size,
I just think that there are times that, as you say: “We should ban excessive boobage”. Wish I had know that phraseology when I was working. When I had to speak with someone about
my fear that the girls were going to fall out on my counter, I would often
threaten to come in showing my girls in that state. Sometimes that worked. Hundreds of people are loving this one
and thinking that the boob is on the topic of boobs again.
Wow! Can you tell I am calming down? Writing for me is truly therapy. Rachel, we are in agreement on SO many
things. I can promise you that I
have never worn a white ribbed cotton tank top as you describe in Number
6. I never wore one before I
turned 40 – nor will I start wearing them now - as I turn 67. I am a bit confused though. Everything that you list should be
retired by the Retail Age of 50. HMMM
– maybe I will be wearing my birthday suit. It will make David happy. Kate – I heard that groan. Let me clarify.
He will be happy that I spend less money on clothes.
Regarding
your Number 7, I have not worn a hair ornament since I was in my early
thirties. I am proud to say that
they were very tasteful bows. They
held my fake chignon in place. I
think I outgrew the bows by their retail retirement age of 30 and I know that
the fake hair had died by then.
Muffy attacked it thinking it was a dead rat. I never had it replaced.
Number
9: Cheap, Unflattering Underwear
(Retail Retirement Age: 40)
I am
sitting on the fence about this one, but not in my underwear. Much of my life I have had to listen to
people tell me about the importance of underwear. It had to be clean in case I was in an accident. Now – and let me be honest here
Rachel. You are not the only one
to complain about my underwear. My
daughter tells me that I need to spend money on better underwear. I understand that it needs to be
supportive. However as you say
yourself – it is tacky to have even a hint of your bra strap show…nobody sees
the freaking stuff so I am sticking with clean. I understand that past the age of 30, one's underwear needs to be as supportive as it is sexy. Hate to break it to you, but when you hit 60, CLEAN trumps everything. When you are younger, you need clean underwear in case you are IN an accident. When you are older, you need clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident. (We will address this again when we touch on the topic of Hobo Bags.)
Speaking
of sitting on the fence, I am there on your Number 9 as well. Loud Accessories. (Retail Retirement Age: 35) I am not fond of loud accessories either …unless you are
counting my sweaters. Don’t go
there, Rachel or I will break both of your arms and legs. My shamrocks that light up and my
storks that dance in the island breeze are simply not up for discussion
here. Perhaps a new bra will make
them look better? As I re-read
that section, I am pleased to see your comment “Only one funky accessory per
outfit”. Guess I am okay
then. As my good friend Sue Cota
used to say, “Hey, Cath - I don’t know anyone else who could pull that outfit off”.
So,
Rachel – it may be that we are in agreement about many things – certainly more
than I thought. But,
let’s take a look at the things we do not agree on.
Number
1: Message T-Shirts (Retail
Retirement Age: 30)
First
of all, I have a couple of questions.
Does that mean that I should have retired my favorite message shirts
when I turned 30 or when they did?
Who told you about my family and how do you know that I have a daughter
named Kate? And by the way, my
shirt does not read “Team Kate"or "Team Jon”. It reads Crew Mom. (I do have a really glitzy one that says "Irish Grandma", but I save that for when I go to Japan. And, yes, I am still wearing that Crew Mom shirt with the stains and the
holes and I do not find it desperate.
Well, maybe a little on those days when I sleep in it over my
jammies. You wouldn’t like those
either, Rachel.
And THEN I come to
your statement that actually makes me want to scream. “The 'message - tee' boom was fueled by Young Hollywood. It’s mostly a way for people to express
frustration and that doesn’t exactly come off as mature. You want to talk mature. How the hell old are you anyway? You think you have LESS frustration
when you get old? I spent half an
hour before I started this therapy session looking for one of my favorite
t-shirts. Kate – did you take
it? It was given to me many years
ago – thank you Mrs. Shaw – and has a beautiful picture of me giving someone
the bird. I am not talking about
the parrot here either! That was
frustration at it’s best. It was
not mature and I was a lot younger then than I am today. If I find it before I put this sucker
to bed, I will insert it – just for you, Rachel – just for you.
Number
2: Too Trendy Denim (Retail
Retirement Age: 35)
Ah,
Rach! You have touched another
sore spot. Kate, does this mean I
have to throw my Canadian Tuxedo away?
Come on, Kate! I got rid of
the blue denim dress with the little gingham bow. You told me to throw it away and I said that I loved it and
that I might get into it again some day.
You looked at me and said:
“Even if you do get into it again, don’t you think you are a little old
for it? Damn, I wonder where those little bow shoes are! Kate, have you been hanging
around with Rachel? If you are as
wise as I think you are, you will not make any comments about that denim
pantsuit. I left the jacket
in Cancun and only by the Grace of God and a credit card - was I able to find
another one like it. And, if
I have a shirt with Mickey Mouse on it…I should burn it? Cindy Rounds and Penney Muzzey – wanna
have a bonfire?
This section of
the article ends with a description of a look that can take me from the PTA
meeting to a party. Trust me, regardless of what I wear, I bet I would still
look out of place at a PTA meeting.
I bet my mother did in her little red house dress with the white polka
dots. Rachel, you tell me that
dark colors will be part of that appropriate look. WTF? For years
the words “God put the little birds in pink and blue and the elephants in
gray.” Now that I have earned the
right to wear red and purple with a feather in my cap, you want me to start
wearing black? Wait a minute – I
do wear black. I wear black a
lot. But I do it because I choose
to not because someone thinks I should!
Number
8: Oversized, Overly-Decorated
Hobo Bags: (Retail Retirement
Age: 50)
Oh,
Rachel, you must be a baby. “Avoid
these oversized bags with all the bells and whistles…. charms…quilting. When you come to a certain age, the
good news is you are beyond trends.
Try a super-hot-for-fall clutch."
“Maybe you can’t fit as much in there, but the point of a handbag is to carry your necessities – not your life.” Let me go back. I said that I would. This clearly relates to the section on underwear. When you age, your necessities become your life and my Japanese Depends (Thank you Yoneda and Yamada Families) would not fit in any of the glamorous clutches that I DO have. And Rachel, I am guessing that you have not spent years as an elementary school teacher. This oversized, sometimes overly decorated hobo sometimes needed those bags to carry “her life” to school and back each day. Beyond that, I happen to like some of those bells and whistles, so get over it.
OK –
this train wreck is almost over and my underwear is still old and still non-supportive,
but still clean. Towards the end of
the article, I found a statement that I may have embroidered on a Tee; I know
that Etsty will do it for me.
“Every woman must make her own decisions about when to break the
rules. But what you’re striving
for isn’t to look youthful – it’s to look ageless.
Allow me to sum up my humble
opinion in a few simple statements.
Young
women are constantly being given the wrong messages about the importance of
clothes and body image…. if those messages did not destroy us when we were
young – you think we are going to give them a second chance?
I do
not want to look youthful. I also do
not think I want to look ageless. I know that it is semantics, but I have
earned the right to have grown older and to CHOOSE to reflect that in how I
look, in what I wear, and in what I do.
When
I would make decisions over the years, people would sometimes ask what would
happen if it were the wrong decision --- would I get in trouble. I bumped into an old friend (Thanks, Kurt!) the other
day. He remembered that I used to respond: “What are they going to do to me? Take away my birthday?” I am not letting silly words about what I should and should
not wear take away my birthday. I
plan to wear whatever I damn please.
Dear
Saint Anthony, please help me find that bird shirt…………….
PS: Pam Gendron, when you pick yourself up
off the floor and wipe away your tears of laughter, wanna go shopping? Where is Fredrick’s anyway?
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