Thanks for the book, Jennie Young - wish the pie came with it!

So………….I guess you are never too old to learn something new.  I am taking a three-day class this week – starting tomorrow.  Sometimes I am very good at taking my own advice.  Never let your license run out – they make it very difficult to get it back…so, I will keep on learning.  As part of the class, I had to take an on-line leadership assessment.  They advised me that it would take me approximately 35 minutes.  It didn’t.  It is the first one that I have ever taken that was timed.  You were given no more than 20 seconds for each question.  They did not want the participant to “over” think.  It still did not take me 35 minutes.  Inventories like that become like the old television show ‘Name That Tune’.  I can do it in four notes.  This one gave me the same results as most of the others; they just named the categories differently.

My favorite one that I took a few years ago labeled the categories according to geographical regions – and some of you will remember that I was found to be a Southerner.  I took a lot of heat for that – pardon the pun.  However, that is the one that I have enjoyed the most.  I will say that this newest one was interesting in the fact that it did not give you A label.  I do so HATE labels!  It gave you your five strength areas.  What was even more interesting was that I was so very wrong about what the second step would be.  I made the assumption that it would ask me to identify several weaker areas and create some goals to become stronger in them.  Not so!  Instead, it asked me to reflect on those five areas of strength and create some goals to become stronger in them…

After finishing the assessment and doing the required homework, I felt that I deserved some free reading time.  I chose a book given to me by my brilliant friend Jennie Young.  The title is The Noticer, written by Andy Andrews.    I took more time than I had earned.  I read it from cover to cover.  I then read it again with a highlighter in hand.  This was a great read and it has given me so many things to think about.  However, embedded in the story was another – shall I call it a relationship inventory?  I think I shall, because one of my strengths in the on-line assessment was being a relator.

The wise man in this book was named Jones…not Mr. Jones…just Jones.  If any of you have read The Shack, there are some common threads between the two books.  Hope I do not offend the authors with that statement.  Not to worry, neither of them is on my list of FB Friends – although Jodi Picoult is.  :)  Jones describes relationships as dialects.  He states that there are four major dialects that people use within their relationships, and then he assigns each dialect to a living creature.  Seeing I have owned each of the creatures he uses, I was sure that I could relate to what  he was going to say.

Petie - and Petie did like to be touched.  He admired himself.  He had his own mirror .

A person who speaks the dialect of Quality Time is compared to a Canary.  A canary just wants you to be with them.   “Just be with me.”  It does not matter who is with them – as long as someone is with them.   A canary never notices who gives it food or water – it doesn’t care what you say to it and it does not want to be touched.  It simply wants you to sit and listen to its song. The canary is happiest when they are being admired.    A canary will lose energy and strength – not from a lack of food, but from a lack of attention.

Muffy - although she loved kind words, she exhibited many characteristics of Jones'cat.

He describes some individuals as Puppies.  Puppies feel loved when they hear Spoken Words of Approval.  You use praise and kind words to teach a puppy.  Jones says that nothing is more devastating than words of disapproval spoken in an angry tone of voice.  The friendliest and bravest of puppies will cower and hide when they are treated this way.

Buckwheat or Calico.  Calico was all about physical contact - Buckwheat - not so much.  See why I don't like labels.

People who ‘speak’ the dialect of Physical Contact appreciate the pat on the back, the neck scratch, the belly rub, a hug and a kiss.  People who speak in this dialect can be compared to a Cat.  Cats are almost exclusively creatures of physical contact. They tend to feel most loved when affection is expressed in these ways and sometimes it is the only way they feel loved.  They don’t pay attention to what you say or do. 

And all those months, I thought Goldie did care!

The Goldfish feels loved based purely on Favors and Deeds.  You can’t really touch them.  They don’t seem to hear us if we do talk to them.  They do not need any type of affirmation from anyone around them.  They do not need quality time – in fact they really do not care if you are there or not, they simply want you to feed them and clean the bowl…”and, oh yeah, straighten the castle while you are there.”

That got me thinking about Life in General.  This assessment is really no different than any of the others that I have taken.  It all comes down to who we are and how we interact with those around us.  I have joked that I am a southerner – but that over time, I hope I have learned to walk in all of those regions.  It is important to be able to walk through these four categories as well.

That brought my thinking (perhaps it is good not to “over” think) back to a conversation that I had with my sister a long time ago.  It might have touched a chord with me because I read the book on the anniversary of her death.  She has been gone for 21 years, and the conversation took place about a year before that and it still seems like it was yesterday.  She had just been diagnosed with cancer and we knew that things were not looking good.  In this particular conversation, she apologized to me for not showing me enough affection when I was growing up.  Totally shocked, I asked her what she was talking about.  She said that in our house we never hugged a lot and I must have missed it.  I remember not remembering that I did not get hugged a lot – so we kept talking.  I asked her why she thought I missed it.  She said that I was always hugging my kids – so I must have missed it.  It was at that point that I did not have the words to respond.  How I wish I could go back in time.  I could have used the words from this book.  We all have styles of relating with people.  It does not matter if it is in our families or with our friends or in our workplaces.  We all have relationship styles and we are never going to be surrounded by a group of people who have exactly the same style we do – so we have to learn to relate.  Her perspective in that moment  - when she was wishing that she could go back in time - was that perhaps we did not show each other how much we cared when we were younger.  Well, perhaps we were not huggers growing up on Atkinson Street, so perhaps we weren’t cats all the time, but we knew we were cared for.

Even though I might have been a hugger and there might not have been a lot of hugging going on, I knew that I was loved.  There was always someone paying attention to what I said or did.  Trust me, that I remember.  Our kids played Marco Polo or did competitive dives in the pool and we had to watch them and assign them a score.  God, that got old…but I wish I could do it one more time. 

On Atkinson Street, there was no pool – but there were porches.  I would create curtains on the back porch and act out plays or perform songs and dance routines.  I am sure all of the aunts wanted to get the hook – but they never did.  There was always someone to read to me on one of the front porches or under the butternut tree.

Perhaps this is where Jones’ metaphors should become mixed.  Maybe there were not a lot of cat like behaviors, but all the rest were there.  As I think about it – all of these categories can be good – as long as they are balanced.  I love being a goldfish – sometimes.  I love being around goldfish – sometimes.  And then Jones said something else. 

He said that we should ask ourselves a question every day.  That question is:  “What is it about me that other people would change if they could?”  He is clear that he is not interested in what we would change – but what others would change.    He goes on to say  “I am not asking that you live your life according to the whims of others but that sometimes the perspective of others can be as important as our own perspective and life is all about perspective”.  I am betting that if you were to ask a cat what they would change about a goldfish, they would say that they would like the puppy to be more like them – shades of “Why Can’t a Woman Be More Like a Man” from My Fair Lady.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Doz5w2W-jAY  

Perhaps he has a point.  We should not lead our lives to please others, but we should have recognition and an understanding of their perspective.  Jones knows that life is all about perspective.  But we should know who we are.  I think it would be a better world if we could all have the characteristics of a cat, a canary, a puppy and a goldfish and know when and how to use them.  Of course, that is just  my perspective.

 My favorite comment that Jones makes about perspective is about food – and you know how I love food (Jennie's peach pie, Jennie's peach pie.  It's like a slice of heaven - Jennie's peach pie).  He brings supper to share with one of his new found friends and they eat under the dock where the friend has built himself a shelter.  As they part for the evening, Jones asks his friend what he had for dinner.  He responds that he should know what he had eaten for supper -  they had eaten the same thing.  Sardines and Vienna sausages.  Jones laughs and says that it truly is all about perspective.  “You ate sardines and Vienna sausages in the sand.  I dined on surf and turf with an ocean view.”

 So, Jennie – thanks for the book.  Busy day today.  I am off to buy a couple of his others.  I will not be able to read them until after my class though………damn!